Thursday, May 17, 2012

Giving Up On My Dream

This saying is something that I am trying very hard to hold on to at the moment.  I had an appointment with my OB/GYN this past Wednesday afternoon who told me that I should not go forward with having my tubes reversed.  That because of my age (44 physically, but mentally 25) and the fact that I have a little extra pudge on me, that I am not a good candidate for the surgery.  He said that, sure he could do the surgery and make all sorts of money off of me, but I probably would not end up getting pregnant, and if I did the chances of having another ectopic pregnancy was pretty high.  I've already had one miscarriage, one ectopic pregnancy and one stillborn son - so I don't have a good track record.  Then with all of that said, my youngest son almost died while trying to deliver him.  His heart stopped and they had to do an emergency c-section.  As a result of that, he suffered a brain injury because of the lack of oxygen to his brain.

I can't put into words how badly I want another child.  I know people tell me "be thankful for the kids that you DO have" and "you already have 5 special needs children, why would you want to take that chance again?"  To be honest, I feel that I still have one more child waiting to be born to me.  I've seen her in my meditations and she's just sitting there waiting in the wings for me to bring her through.  After Wednesday's appointment, either that's not going to happen or it's going to happen through another route.

My doctor told me that I should consider adopting, that there are so many children out there that need a good home and we are wonderful parents now, we would be to this child as well.  Yes, I could most definitely love another child, even if they were not biologically mine.  After all, I was adopted at 7 weeks of age and my dad was my world!  I had him wrapped around my pinkie, my mom would always say.  So I'm not discounting the thought of adopting, but I have to get over my hurt first.

And if having my tubes tied wasn't bad enough... they were tied without my permission (or my husbands permission)!  The doctor took it upon herself to tie my tubes while I was open after my c-section.  Something that I will go to my grave resenting.  I will never be able to forgive her for doing that to me and I have wished her the same amount of pain to be suffered as I have suffered for almost 10 years.  I normally do not hold grudges, but with this doctor I do.  And I won't apologize for that.

So, now we start the process of adoption.  I filled out an online application for an agency in Illinois a couple of nights ago, so we will see.  Of course I will also be only looking for a special needs child because that is where my heart is.  Really, that is all I know how to care for - I've never had a healthy child to take care of or raise, so I don't know how to do that.  Plus, everyone wants a healthy child, it's the ones with medication complications that are not wanted...  That is the child that I want.

So here we begin our new adventure...  into the land of adoption!

Until next time...


  1. Sounds like you are not giving up on your dream just adjusting the focus. Like your picture says, it may not come in the package you expected.

    1. You're right, I am adjusting the focus, but I'm still quite depressed over it. It feels like a loss to me, and I've suffered 3 losses so far. I'm just not getting over this hump the way I expected or hoped to.