The Opening Of My Book - The Path Less Chosen

“You can move mountains, if you only believe.”  This was something my mother always told me, I believe my strength came from her and then some.  I’ve had to find my inner strength more than my fair share of times, but it has never let me down as of yet.  

I also believe that for one reason or another our paths are chosen before we are born.  It’s like signing a contract that we are willing to accept and to live just to move on to our next destination.  My path wasn’t always so rosy, it had its bumps, potholes and sharp turns that we all experience; just some tend to experience more than others and in varying degrees.  That’s what brought life to my book, my need to let other people know that there are others out there who truly understand what you are going through, to the abused children I say, yes I’ve been where you are and I’ve survived, I’m not a victim, I’m a survivor and you can be one too.  I can also say that having 5 children with special needs and a disabled husband has its difficulties, but I wouldn’t trade my life for the world.  So to the mothers of children with special needs, I too have been where you are, I too have wondered ‘why me’ and I too have cherished every success that my children have obtained.

There are blessings intertwined within the pains that I’ve suffered and yes, I would do it all over again if I needed to.  I’m also a parent who has lost children, one to miscarriage at a young age, one to an ectopic pregnancy, one to stillbirth, and another miscarriage recently, but I also believe that all of those things happened for a reason, I may not know all of the reasons and maybe I won’t accept the reasons, but they happened and I’ve had to cope with the loss just like other parents of unborn children.  Our hearts are resilient, we do get past the grief, but we never forget.  

I’ve also lost both of my parents, my mom to breast, bone and brain cancer in 1997, and my father to heart failure and kidney failure in 2011.  I unfortunately understand the heartache of losing your parents.

This is what my book is about, overcoming difficulties, seeing the positives and loving life for what it is and loving the people in my life because they make it what it is.  

Until next time....

I'm Scared...

I'm terrified of trains, I have panic attacks every time I'm around one or hear their horn sound.

I'm scared of semi trucks, even if they are parked and the engine is off.  (was in a car accident as a young child with a semi truck and the fear has remained my entire life)

I'm scared of having my panic attacks in public places.

I worry that my house is never picked up enough for a visitor - even if it's clean, I still worry about that dust bunny under the couch.

I'm scared of not being accepted for who I am.  (my scars from childhood)

I'm scared of snakes - they give me the wicky willys.

I'm scared of being outside after dark alone.

I'm scared of the ocean - even though I know how to swim & was trained in water life-saving, I'm still terrified of large bodies of water.

I'm scared of my children suffering any type of pain or hurt.  (including bullying)

I'm scared of having to bury another child, I've done it once, I never want to repeat it.

I'm scared of losing my husband too early in life.  (he has 13 different diagnoses, thanks to his time in the military)

I'm scared of speaking publicly - I break down in tears every time.

I'm scared of traveling long distances alone.

I worry about my house burning down, I know this is totally illogical, but I've planned out exactly who would get which child, and still be able to grab my purse and our important papers along with my parents urns and my oldest daughter would gather up our 3 cats.

I'm scared of being judged by people reading this list.  I feel totally vulnerable at the moment.  Wow, this was a rough list to write.  I'm sure there are more things that I am scared of... but I think this is enough for now.

Until next time...

Momma's Time Out

Parenting special needs children can wear thin on a mom from time to time.  There's doctor appointments, psychiatrist appointments, therapy appointments, then of course you have the special education teachers that you have to deal with when it comes to IEP time.  Every once in awhile I just need a time out, I found this picture on my Facebook wall which I thought was perfect, but do you know how many pins I would need to hang up all of my kids???  Geesh!  I would also need a long drying line, which of course I don't have, so I guess my only alternative is my hot bubble baths that I take to de-stress from the day.

Sure I can run my errands by myself if I wanted to, and sometimes I do, but most of the time, my oldest daughter likes to tag along.  She's 24, so she's not bad to shop with.  Plus we have our mother-daughter dates, but it's also nice that she's old enough to watch the kids so my husband and I can have date night as well.  Date night helps keep our relationship going strong.  It gives us time to ourselves without the interruptions of kids.  My boys (almost 10 & 11) are very attached to my husband, so they take up most if not all of his time while they are home.

It also doesn't help that their room is the most haunted in the house with the most activity and ever since my dad died 7 months ago, the boys refuse to sleep in their room.  So what does that mean?  Yep, they've been "camping out" in our room at night at the foot of our bed.  Makes for 'great' quality time between Jon and I. 

The one thing that I guess I have the hardest time dealing with are the meltdowns.  They are hard to deal with because most of the time you never know when one is going to happen.  Sure I know some of my kids triggers, but not many and with children with autism spectrum disorders, you don't need a trigger to have a meltdown.  My youngest son has them daily and most of the time we don't know why.  We just try and do damage control while he's in the process of melting.  He also has no problems having meltdowns at school either, I get emails on a regular basis about his meltdowns and having to be removed from the regular ed classroom and put into the special ed room for his safety and the safety of the other kids.

No matter the stress or chaos that is apart of my life, I would never trade it for the world.  My kids are my life and I love my life for what it is and the challenges that it brings with it.

Until next time....

Aargh! Writer's Block, Again!!!

I admit it, I have writer's block, but not just any ordinary writer's block, but massive writer's block.  I don't know how this happened, I was writing at a decent pace every day in the beginning, but then all of a sudden, when I went to sit down to write, all I could do was stare at my laptop screen and the words written on it.  I would re-read the paragraph where I stopped to try and kick start my writing again and my mind would wander off to a land far, far away. 

I'm not a quitter, but I am a perfectionist when it comes to any written work that I do.  When I was in college, I loved doing research papers, but my teachers always complained because they would ask for a 8 - 10 page report on some subject and I would turn in a 25 page report because I would get carried away with all of the information.  Funny, I never had writer's block when it came to my research papers, why am I having it now?  Probably because what I'm writing is my life story and it's not all rainbows and butterflies.  There are a lot of painful memories being put into this book and it seems as if I'm re-living each painful moment as I write about it.

The best thing for me when I write, is to have my music playing in my ears.  I pop in my earbuds to my iPhone and play away.  I have great music on my iPhone that always changes my frame of mind and helps redirect my thinking.

So on with my writing...  writer's block, go away!!

Until next time...

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!

 This is a picture of my parents, Bill & Nohemi while they were dating.  I love this picture of them because they look so happy!  My mom came to the United States from Mexico in 1961 and got a job at the same place my dad was working, Comptons Encyclopedia. My dad soon swooped in on my mom, but she rejected his advancements for quite some time.  My dad being who he was, knew what he wanted and that was my mom... so he pursued her until she couldn't say no any longer.  They ended up dating and my mom soon became my dad's entire world! When dad popped the question, mom said "no" and flew back to Mexico.  Dad was not going to take "no" for an answer, so he followed her to her hometown of Orizaba, Veracruz and asked her to marry him again.  She saw how in love he was with her and finally said "yes"when he asked her a second time.

They had 2 weddings, one was a civil ceremony, which my mom never recognized as being married. It wasn't until they had the church ceremony that they were finally married.  The civil ceremony was in January, but they didn't have the church ceremony until May 30th and they were married in Orizaba, Veracruz.  This is a picture of their wedding.  My moms head piece and flowers were made out of glass, and the cake pieces were also made from glass.  On their wedding day, my dad was the happiest man alive!

Happy Anniversary Mom & Dad!!!

I love you!

Until next time....

Our 4 Legged Children

I wasn't sure what to write about for today's blog post, so my brainiac daughter said "write about the Ladies & their Feller"... so that is what I'm going to do.  These 2 ladies & their feller are otherwise known as our cats - but cats makes them seem so "animal-like" and that they are not.  They truly believe they are human and I had nothing to do with that thinking process at all.  There is Izzy (Izzabelle), CJ (Cinderella Junior) and Butts (Seymour Butts).

Let's get on with their debut:

 Izzy screaming for some attention - or otherwise yawning.

 Izzy giving momma some lovin'.

 Wide-eyed and wearing her 'innocent' look.

 Mr Butts - doing what he does best, playing dead.  (yep, he's a 23 pounder)

Mr Butts with his cool dude cap on.

Last but not least, CJ, who does not like to have her picture taken - she hates the flash.

Until next time...

Come On Over To The Nerdy Side

I've decided that I'm going to talk a little bit about my childhood and how I've evolved into who I am today.

When I was a child in school, I didn't have many friends, I was considered a nerd and not many people enjoyed being around me.  I was teased almost on a daily basis and it didn't matter if I was in the Catholic school of which I attended 1st, 2nd, 3rd and 8th grade or in the public school for grades 4th through 7th and then high school.

What I think really bothered me the most was gym class and the process of where the class was divided into "teams" and the "team captains" had to pick the people they wanted on the team - I was always the last person to be picked - just like winning a booby prize.  Yep, I was the booby prize.  That always crushed me, but more importantly, it embarrassed me - me sitting there all alone on the floor and knowing that the last team to pick got me.  Even now at the age of 44, I'm scarred from that.  It brings tears to my eyes to rethink or rather re-live those times in my life. 

Then in high school - sure there were boys that I liked, but no one would give me the time of day.  I had a high school sweetheart that I met at summer school - it was a prep course for the Catholic high school that I was going to attend, except, I went to Mexico that summer and came back too late and missed my slot at the Catholic high school (with my sweetie) so I was forced to attend the public high school.  My sweetie and I dated on and off all four years of high school, and then he went away to college in Indiana and I went to school at the technical college.  He was the only one who ever accepted me for who I am, deep down, not the surface Mimi that you see.

It was after my rape that I started to change and not give a shit about who or what came my way.  I put on a steel shield and I wasn't going to let anyone in.  Until I met my husband.  I slowly put my guard down and enjoyed what I found - but I've still never really have had a lot of friends who I can truly count on.  Sure I have friends on Facebook, but if I were in a pinch, there is less than a handful that I would be able to count on to bail me out.  Hell, I only have 3 people's cell number of whom I'm friends with on Facebook.  So if I were in a pinch, I'm S.O.L.

I guess being a nerd has it's perks, but I'm not sure what they are at the moment.  I have developed into a very social and friendly person, but I'm still considered "strange" and "out there".  I guess that's ok - it makes me unique and that's how I view myself. 

Until next time...